Tag Archives: UKIP

In a New Country Now

9 Jun

On the morning of the the General Election results of 2017, one of my favourite comedians, Mark Steel, declared “We’re in a new country now.”

You can’t help but agree with him. Political awareness and interest has (finally) been pricked here and I take my hat off to the young people of the UK who quickly cottoned onto the fact that their future is now being decided for them and that they can make all of the difference.

But whatever your political leanings on the domestic front and however you think that the terror attacks (at home and overseas) can best be dealt with, one thing is for certain – the UK is entering a new phase of political energy (yesterday the fella on the chicken counter at Morrisons was waxing lyrical about the Constituency Labour Party and believe me, you wouldn’t have had that 2 years ago. You’d have been lucky to get have received some advice on your giblets.)

The week also provoked some stimulating conversation in our household;

9 yr old boy; That election was brilliant! When’s the next one? Can I have one near my birthday?

12 yr old girl; (To me) Honestly! He’s such a dimwit. He thinks we have them all the time.Like, every year!

9 yr old; Oh. But we only just had that one about the Brexit. And there was that David Cameron who I remember. And then Trump the Man With the Dead Cat on his Head. And then Huddersfield Town won the Premiership too.

12 yr old; Look you – you div (gestures at brother, tapping side of head) You’re too young to remember much. And we didn’t *win* the Premiership. We just got into it.  But … but when *I* was growing up, we had elections only ever 4 years. You don’t know what it’s like, you little kids. And for some reason you see to think that Trump has something to do with our country, too!

Politics for the 9 yr old in Huddersfield. Round and round and round and…

9 yr old:  Oh. I just thought it was supposed to go on and on and round and round.

12 yr old: No. We’re living in extraordinary times. But it’s going to be, like, really really hillarious at school when they call another General Election and we have to do another mock one at school. I still don’t think that anyone is speaking to the teacher who had to act as the UKIP candidate, when none of us kids would do that one.

9 yr old: I bet even his own children don’t like him now.

12 yr old: Don’t feel sorry for him. He didn’t have to volunteer. Anyway … you keep on hoping for mad politics-city here in the UK, ’cause you’re gonna get it!

9 yr old: I hope so.  But I did like the olden days when all we did was watch CBBC and no one expected to help around the house. But I hope Jeremy Corbyn comes back to Huddersfield and stands on my foot again, when he launches his next Fannymesto.



Party Politics from the TinyPop Perspective

6 May

7 YR OLD: So, Mum. Whatever party you vote for, do you get a party-bag at the end of it?

ME: No. Sadly not.

7 YR OLD: So why would you bother?

ME: Dunno. Ask Russell Brand.

10 YR OLD: Is he the one what killed ‘Evita’? His photo-painting thing is everywhere.

ME: I’m sure that he’d like to have wiped out at least a few of Andrew Lloyd-Webber’s musicals.

7 YR OLD: Well, I think that it’s rubbish! I’ve never been to a party without a party-bag. Even at my own party I got one.

ME: Which your father disagreed with. In principle. Until you kicked off, big time about it all.

10 YR OLD: Anyway. It’s all very confusing – this election stuff. For me, I mean. What if … half your family vote the Red Ed lot, the other vote the posh blue-boys who hate poor people, and half vote for the ones who hate foreigners with no money and who come over here and take all our dentists off us?

ME: There’s more parties than that…

10 YR OLD: I DO know that, Mum! I’m not totally stupid! So.. what if also… half of your family vote for the one who used to be in Last of the Summer Wine – Cleggy chap. And the other half vote for umm.. yes – the green ones what love squirrels and trees but can’t empty bins… what would that make me living in? Like… a mixed racialist family or summat?

ME: I don’t know. But I wish I had never wasted £9.99 on that children’s books for politics by Andrew Marr. Because you clearly haven’t been reading it.  And maybe I should be paying for ‘Fun Maths’ books for you instead, because you’ve got far too many ‘halves’ in your little example there, haven’t you?

Actually... a VERY good book! (for both kids and adults.)

Actually… a VERY good book! (for both kids and adults. Get to grips with all of your ‘archys’…)

10 YR OLD: (to her brother.) Why is it that grown-ups think that they know everything about the world and about politics sort-of-things and then when you ask them a simple question,  they answer it with another flippin’ question? Daddy hates it when those interviewers are going ‘Answer the Question!’ He spits when he talks and everything.

7 YR OLD: Anyway. If had to vote for a party. It’d be a LEGO party.

10 YR OLD: I’d vote for the Cake party.

ME: Sounds like an attractive prospect.

10 YR OLD: Actually, you made him (looks at brother) a birthday cake that had LEGO on it once. It was the volcano one. Where the cake collapsed and you chucked a load of red icing over it and LEGO men were dying in it.

7 YR OLD: Oh yeah! That was brill!

10 YR OLD:  And you let me put the dismembered head in the lava didn’t you? That was the funniest bit.

ME: Actually, the cake *didn’t* collapse. I wanted it to be a volcano… I’m actually not too bad at cakes, you know!

7 YR OLD: They always look weird. But they taste nice. Usually.

A vote-winner for kids. Even if it does look like Mother's Cake actually exploded and it 'became' a volcano-cake..

A vote-winner for kids. Even if it does look like Mother’s Cake actually exploded and it ‘became’ a volcano-cake..

10 YR OLD: Actually – that’s what that that Queen way back in history said – who must have voted Cameron – as she went ‘oooh – let them eat cake’  about all the poor scummy people like us. And then they chopped her head off for saying it.

7 YR OLD: That was so mean.

10 YR OLD: Yes but it was a revolution and in a revolution things get violent – don’t you even know that? Will our Royal Family get beheaded if the Welsh ones or the Scottish ones get in, Mum?

ME: No. Don’t be silly. Things like that aren’t allowed in our country.

10 YR OLD: Well- in a revolution everything goes a bit mental. People get all twisted and evil.

7 YR OLD: I bet Dad would chop their heads off.

10 YR OLD: Yeah he would. He thinks we should like, bin the Royals. Big time.

ME: Daddy wouldn’t do anything of the sort.  Especially if they offered him an OBE. Or an MBE. Or anything that would appeal to his deep-seated working class inferiority complex. It’s all about deference, when it comes down to it.

7 YR OLD: …He’d have to wear a black mask though. Like the one we saw in that Tower of London.

10 YR OLD: True. Otherwise they’d know his identity. And the royals that hadn’t been beheaded would seek their revenge on his children and they’d be round here – chopping our heads off!

7 YR OLD: (Squeals, suddenly frightened at prospect of the House of Windsor trucking up in west Yorkshire with a big axe.) Stop it! Don’t!

10 YR OLD: Well, not the new baby princess of course. She’s so cute and she’s a girl. So she wouldn’t do anything evil like that.

ME: Look. Can we please change the subject.

10 YR OLD: Okay. We’re poor. Get the cake tin out. It’s our only hope in life!

ME: One day you might be writing a PhD thesis at University on this kind of thing….

10 YR OLD: Not if Cammy-boy stays in. You won’t be able to afford me going.





Roald Dahl, Scottish Independence and Terrorist Infants

13 Sep

Daughter (10):  It’s Roald Dahl’s birthday today

Me: (distracted, as per usual): Sorry?

Daughter: Yeah. I always remember it because it’s between my birthday and yours. And we were all told about this at school.  IT’S ROALD DAHL’S BIRTHDAY THIS WEEKEND. Like …. it was the Queen’s birthday or summat! But way better. Obviously. Because Roald Dahl might not have been from Up North or that. But he wrote some really cool books for kids dinne?

Me: Yep! He did. He was great!

Daughter: And even that Little Weirdo [her smaller brother] is totally into Roald Dahl now.  But that’s probably because Roald Dahl had this really spooky bit in his head where he wanted to freak us all out and talk about drowning kids  in chocolate rivers and feeding kids on a big fat peach to seagulls. And that.

Me:  Well. He always had a dark edge to what he wrote. But his writing for children was never really that scary.

Daughter: No. It was. Maybe just a bit. Like your book! ‘A Dark and Bleak Comedy’. That’s what it says. About your book. Like. we can all laugh at horrible things – because when people die – it can actually be really funny….!

Me: Look… you need to stop reading the marketing material … my book isn’t at all like…

Daughter: Anyway.  However that Roald bloke writes – our Stinkypants loves him. And he hasn’t ever EVER wanted to listen to any other books or stories before he heard ‘Danny The Champion’ – has he? And now it’s all Chocolate Factory and Giant Peach every day, isn’t it?

Me: That’s true.

Daughter:  So you can’t blame any of us for wanting special treats today, ’cause it’s Roald Dahl’s birthday. Get the Waggon Wheels out, I say!  And we love books in our family and should celebrate it. ‘Cause the Queen never wrote nowt for us, did she?

Me: No… True.

Daughter: Which is probably why the Scottish ones want to tell us in our England to get lost. If our royal people can’t write good stories and if that David Cameron expects me to pay for you – when you’re old and loony and in a home for nice but mad old people – Well. I wouldn’t want to be in our England government thing either. If I was a Scots One!

Me: Hang on. We were talking about children’s books.  Now you’re talking about Scottish independence.  What on earth do you know about the referendum?

Daughter: Lots. I hear what you grown ups are always saying. Like… the UK Fish-Kipper party people need to read cleverer newspapers. And that the Scottish fish Allie Salmon bloke needs to remember that we don’t actually HAVE to do all of the government and royal family thing in england. Lots of us here are already happy to burn down the Houses of Parliament. And we might do it in a few weeks!!

Roald's Enormous Croc. These days being use by the Department of Education to aid revolution and to urge on Scottish Independence

Roald’s ‘Enormous Croc’. According to my kids – these days he’s being used by the Department of Education as a subversive tool encourage insurrectionist activity and to urge on Scottish Independence…


Me: [appalled] Sorry – but where on earth did you hear that its okay to do that kind of thing?  And if you’re talking about Guy Fawkes and the Gunpowder Plot – you’re talking about some of the earliest acts of terrorism in the UK! And how on earth can you think that such things are okay?

Daughter: [irritated] Don’t blame me! It’s what our WhiffyPants told me he was learning at the Infants!  So yeah… they’ll probably be reading their dark Roald Dahl stories there. And then they’ll be learning about how to blow up fleas on rats in a tunnel to kill the Umbolic Plague. With one of Roald’s enormous crocodiles too. And then they’re also learning how to be exploding the bad government in a big Fire Of London. At the same time. That’s what Pongypants says he’s learning about.  And then…to remember it all – this is where that making of a fake body of that Guy Fawkes religious bloke comes from. And this is why we – in England –  chuck it on a bonfire.

Me: Sorry, poppet but both you and your brother have got it all wrong. And I am pretty sure that Roald Dahl would have loved your interpretation of things but…

Daughter: Arghh! You just don’t understand!  It’s something the government here just introduced! They told us about it at school! It’s called our new “NATIONAL CURRICULUM” We’re allowd to be independent and to celebrate our history, Mum!