10 Reasons *Some People* Hate Yorkshire

31 Jul

***NB – this blog has been written with a very large slice of Tongue In Cheek. And Indeed – By a Lassie Of The North…***

Yorkshire Yorkshire Yorkshire. It’s all that we ever hear these days. I think that it’s about time that we had a full and frank commentary in relation to the damned place.

So here are 10 good reasons why you should not even contemplate visiting Yorkshire. Or having anything to do with Yorkshire Day.

1. It’s Bigger Than Yours

Try saying something like this to someone from Yorkshire;  ‘Hey – I’ve got an Auntie in Yorkshire. The next time I visit her, I’ll pop by and see you!’  And just watch them do this sort of sardonic sneer and go ‘Ha! Do you actually KNOW how big Yorkshire is?  We’re the biggest county in the UK! It’s not like your London! It’s not like you can jump on the tube and be at Stepney Green in 10 minutes flat. No, lad. You’ll have to climb, hills, valleys, dales for many a year before you can even catch a whiff of yer fish n chips in Whitby, you know…”

2. Tour de France/ Tour de Yorkshire.

They Got Too Giddy

They Got Too Giddy

Say no more.  I mean – how giddy did they get about all of that? Did you see people living in the other parts of the country that hosted the race? Did they get all emotional and start showing off their great tracts of land and all of that? No. Yet again, the Yorkshire folk went over the top and got all up- themselves and no doubt are still riding about on bicycles with yorkshire puddings balanced on their heads. Or whatever weird pastime they’ll be engaging in for the next 100 years as they tell their kids how glorious the nation of Yorkshire is and how a Yorkshireman invented the wheel, or whatever.

3. The Arts

Yorkshire people are simply not content with their lot. Lots of counties would be perfectly happy with the fact that they spawned Emmerdale, Last Of The Summer Wine or Heartbeat. But no. The tykes want to prove that they can do more than mass TV appeal. They start getting all la-di-dah about being literary and all of that. Like – “Oooh – we have the Brontes, Simon Armitage, Barbara Hepworth, Alan Bennett, David Hockney. the Yorkshire Sculpture Park nad oooh have you ever visited Hebden Bridge? It’s SO bo-ho y’know!”

4. They inject their Extremism into Neighbouring Territories

Not content with brainwashing their own offspring into their regionalist bigotry, they are now mounting covert campaigning over the border. Now me – I’m a Manchester, Lancashire born lass – but do you hear people from Lancashire wittering on about the red rose? About being ‘Proud to be from Lancashire!’  No. But there is now a disturbing trend of Lancashire folk who we all *think* to be living in Lancashire…. but who are wanna-be Yorkies. Get this folks – thanks to border confusion/changes – Oldham Council (a Lancashirebased Council!) actually supports – nay – champions Yorkshire Day and seems to be PROUD of the fact that many folk in the Saddleworth area feel strongly that they live in the west Riding of Yorkshire. They even have their own White Rose Society! There is still quite a lot of wrangling/consternation about this whole issue – but one thing is for sure –  travel around these Lancashire villages (according to the UK government) at the moment and see them bedecked in the white rose.

I ask you. Where will it all end? Pity the poor children of those part of Oldham who are already growing up all of a muddle about whether they are Lankys or not. If we aren’t too careful – these innocent kids will soon be neglecting their Eccles cakes in favour of a Fat Rascal.

5. They are Hugely Endowed

I feel sorry for the kids. It's all "Ooh! Look at our Yorkshire hills! Aren't you proud To be Yorkshire, eh?"

I feel sorry for the kids. It’s all “Ooh! Look at our Yorkshire hills! Aren’t you proud To be Yorkshire, eh?”

The hills, I mean. They have hills. Bloody great big buggers. Much better than the silly, roly-poly things that pass for ‘hills’ down south. And I mean – do we ever hear the end of this? So yeah, we all then have to agree that they do have the most stunning countryside in the country. And on top of that they have the seaside resorts, the moorlands, Bolton Abbey, the North York railways etc. etc. But I bet those tykes are all too tight to pay for the petrol for those *vast distances* involved for them in travelling there…

6.Nosh

The Yorkshire folk seem to think that they do the best food and drink in the country. They’re off there – spouting about their pork pies and their fish and chips and don’t even get them onto tearooms! It’s all ‘Betty and Taylors’ this and ‘Dark Woods poshest coffee in the world’ that.  As though when they turn the pig into bacon it has a white rose running through the middle of it! As though they grew the coffee beans in their own last remaining Yorkshire coal mine!  They’d probably lay claim to having invented Lancashire hot pot or making the first ever pan of Scouse, if you let them.

7. Historical claims

Recently, I read a most frightening little book (or should I say ‘propaganda’) named ‘Yorkshire’s Strangest Tales’ that stated that Robin Hood was not from Nottingham – but was a Yorkshire man. Along with Dick Turpin! And the author (this dreadful woman named Leonora Rustamova)  also waxed lyrical about the fact that Britain’s road network was invented by this dude named ‘Blind Jack’. From Knaresborough in Yorkshire. Or course. He probably invented the Concord, back in 1772, as well, didn’t he?Yorkshire strange tales

There is also much talk about Yorkshire being the base for the Saints – the first Celtic Christians that came to England. They also refer to their county as ‘God’s Own Country.’ Blasphemy! Utter blasphemy!

And I bet you that they reckon that Buddha had a flat in 1960’s Bradford, as well.

8. House Prices

So those Yorkshire folk, they sit there, all full of it lording it over the rest of us “Eee – I can own Harewood House, a yacht off Filey and a block of luxury flats in city centre Leeds – for the price of that cat-flap what you live in, in that London.”

And I think that this is due to something more than Yorkshire – tightness. There’s even a business group called ‘The Yorkshire Mafia’ and … call me a conspiracy theorist if you will – but I reckon its more than just a name!

9. Lost In Their Own Identity

Recently I have heard several famous people/pop stars etc claim “I’m Yorkshire, I am.” Or along those lines. I mean, have you ever heard someone say; “I’m Worcestershire” or “I’m London Borough of Barking and Dagenham, me I am.”

Exactly. The arrogance of these people is growing to monstrous proportions.

10.  Possible Neglect of Animals

I just find it strange… that Yorkshire people will pull anything out of their flat cap and claim it to be theirs – or to be better at anything and everything – than the rest of us. But think on this my friend. When was the last time you heard them getting excited about Yorkshire Terriers? No, indeed. There seems to be some kind of deep-rooted shame in the psyche of Yorkshire people when it comes to mentioning these small but hairy pooches.

In fact, I would go as far to say that Yorkshire Terriers are suffering from abject neglect when it comes to the marketing of Yorkshire.  The Yorkie terrier is the lost innocent in all of this madness!

A furry victim of prejudice? or simple neglect?

A furry victim of prejudice? Or simple neglect?

So dear reader – whilst certain commentators or politicians would like to see your concerns over extremism and issues of race and nationality being directed towards refugees, asylum seekers, muslims and the scottish – I think that we all need to look a lot closer to home.

Beware of Yorkshire Day, I say! These people are serious and they mean to take over the world…

 

 

(NB – if you got this far, finished the blog and still think that I am anti-Yorkshire, then you truly don’t get northern humour! And I feel pretty sure that Leonora Rustamova. Saddleworth White Rose Society and the Yorkshire Mafia will ‘get the plot’ too. But I do extend apologies to all Yorkshire Terriers everywhere. Because you deserve more PR than you are currently getting and I don’t mean to make light of this dreadful situation for you.)

 

*note* – this blog was inspired by a REAL conversation that I overheard. Thank you Crazy People On The Train!

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15 Responses to “10 Reasons *Some People* Hate Yorkshire”

  1. FoXy1807 April 22, 2015 at 10:11 pm #

    I find this really rude 😞
    I’m not being rude or anything.
    I was born in Yorkshire and you’re tryna make it sound worse than it acctually is it int this bad 😑

    • funnylass April 22, 2015 at 11:05 pm #

      Sorry you thought that – the blog is a bit of a parody – and very tongue in cheek! I am a true yorkshire lass and glad you are also a loyalist! x

    • Sharon Alison Butt April 23, 2015 at 6:35 am #

      Don’t take it too seriously Foxy. Chris is a lovely lady with great wit and she DID litter this article with disclaimers. Unfortunately some blog readers are like Facebookers and don’t tead things properly. I’m not insulting you, just saying that if you read it again properly, you’ll see the humour and realise that Chris doesn’t really mean to insult any Yorkshire folk nor those from other regions up north.

      Go on, read it again and give it another chance x

  2. Sally Jenkins September 16, 2014 at 6:04 pm #

    Glad you put that N.B. at the end of your post – I was beginning to hate you and your anti-Yorks tirade! I was born and brought up in Bradford/Brighouse in W. Yorks (until I was 18) and am proud of my roots!
    I agree with Sharon about teacakes – especially toasted but I reckon a vanilla slice should contain custard.

    • funnylass September 16, 2014 at 8:03 pm #

      Ha! This post has had mega-attention ont’ th’internet! I have a feeling that it was because so many folk read it and could not believe the anti-Yorkshire vitriol that it seemed to kick off with.

      Glad you read to the end and saw the NB.

      Given your thoughts on vanilla slices. I would like to add an ethnic element into the melting pot that is ourneck of the woods. I grew up serving ‘Bavarian Slices’ to people in Lancashire/Yorkshire boundary. This was essentially your usual vanilla slice (icing on top of wafer) with a stunning mix of whipped cream and vanilla cream….and then another wafer layer with blackcurrant jam under it.) I would like to say that this eclectic treat represents the best of our neck of the woods….
      But I am totally stuck between two camps (hence the cover of ‘Mind Games and Ministers’)

      And beyond bog-standard County Divisions! Don’t even get me started on the beauty of racial affiliation and identity. I LOVE this region for this side of things. And I’m proud to be Yorkshire, Lancashire, Christian, Quaker, Agnostic, Muslim and Pakistani and horribly Cheshire….(soz Cheshire pals… but this is the bit that always makes me feel DD( and all of this via close family affiliation.

      But hell – never mind the teacakes! We are a beautiful part of the world!

      • Sharon Alison Butt September 16, 2014 at 9:33 pm #

        I’m laughing like a loon now. I never saw that but about the white rose running through the ham and Buddha living in Bradford. Anwar wants to know what I’m giggling at. “But you read that ages ago!” It just goes to show we should scan things again to see what laughs we missed the first time. Pork pies in God’s county….ha, ha ha!

        • funnylass September 17, 2014 at 12:34 pm #

          You mean to tell me that Buddha DOESN’T live in Bradford?
          Oh actually. I remember now. You’re right. It’s Hebden Bridge, innit? That’s the place…

    • Sharon Alison Butt September 16, 2014 at 9:27 pm #

      Ha ha Sally, I have to admit that I hate custard, so I was being biased and unfair to the poor cakes.

      But these sudden extra comments have made me read the whole article again and chuckle. I’d forgotten how funny it was.

  3. Sharon Alison Butt July 31, 2014 at 4:09 pm #

    Great satire. But umm… I’m not sure I’m justfied in agreeing, coz I’m from
    D-unstable. What’s more, it’s only 3 miles north of the town nominated as Britain’s worst…Loo-un.

    You’re right about the chips though. We Southerners hang tight on that one. What yukky oil they use up here! When you go past a chippie in Bedfordshire, you turn round and go and grab a bag for yourself. But up here, you hold your breath and pinch your nose so tight, you can’t smell for weeks.

    As for the ‘Tour’, I love the French but why are horrid mustard-yellow bikes still adorning every pub garden? And what’s more ridiculous is that they’re all chained up! Who’d want to steal one? I’ll leave that answer to your capable wit and humour.

    Lastly, one thing has to be said in favour of us Northerners. House prices are at least understandable. I don’t get why some young couple despite their ‘city wage’, would happily pay £390,000 for a studio flat that contains a flip down bed and 6 metres of bent formica called a kitchen. On top of that, there’s no garden, loft space or room to breathe out. Madness. Maybe the crazy Yorkshire wind has been blowing too much in their direction.

    Eye up lass, good article. Job’s a goodun! 😉

    • funnylass July 31, 2014 at 5:23 pm #

      Heh heh – Methinks that you are also ‘Confused Sort Of, of Yorkshire’. Now I cannot comment on the chips – but my daughter swears blind that this varies from chippie to chippie around here. And I have to say that…. I prefer the whiff of chips over on the evil Lancashire side of the hills. I am sure that someone will now lable us as Fried Potato Fascists or something and start a cyberspace attack on my blog but if so – then all I can say in response is McCAIN OVEN CHIPS.
      And the bikes…I *did* notice that there seemed to be different treatment of the bikes in terms of security/number of chains involved according to which postcode they were located in.
      You’ll probably find that in Holmfirth they can still quite happily perch an expensive bike there, with a grocery basket laden full of the finest organic and fairly traded produce and that NO-ONE WOULD NICK IT!
      Joke fair Holfirth pals…joke! I know that you all reckon that you are now the Crime Capital of Kirklees. 😉

      House prices…. all I can say in response to that is WHY DO YOU THINK WEST YORKSHIRE IS FULLY OF GOBBY MANCUNIANS? It’s because we were priced out of our own land by gentrification and ill-thought out slum clearance. And for once I am not joking.

      Send ’em all back home, those Mancs! They come over here, stealing our women, nicking our jobs and hiking up our house prices…

      • Sharon Alison Butt July 31, 2014 at 7:53 pm #

        Ooh, I hope you’ve opened up a can-o-worms; maggots even.

        Yes, the bike would certainly have gone missing at our end. I can’t even leave out a pot plant.

        It seems the ratty, sorry, pretty terriers are suited to this county but I’m not slaggin off Yorkshire coz this is where I met hubby and I’m staying put.

        Its just that whenever we go to visit our red brick relations, I dash off like a starved pony to the chip shop round t’corner.

        I think the only thing that really gets my goat – I mean to the point of incessant bleating, is this ‘tea cake’ affair. A teacake is a sweet bun filled with raisins, not a boring squadgy bap you fill with slimy ham! And a vanilla slice should contain synthetic cream, not custard! Ugh! There’s another one but I cant remember it, so i’ll go back to chewing my grass.

        Keep em coming! ☺️

  4. Lu July 31, 2014 at 12:22 pm #

    Brilliant stuff! Cleverly done!

    • funnylass July 31, 2014 at 12:23 pm #

      No – really! I hate the place! Wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole!..

      • Brian July 31, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

        You haven’t got a barge pole – some Yorkshire git nicked it!

        • funnylass July 31, 2014 at 12:43 pm #

          haha! I’m saying nowt! If I’m rude about your side of th’ills you’ll send the manky boys round, if I’m rude about this side of th’ills, the Council will make the bin men go AWOL or something…

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