DIALOGUE BETWEEN 8 YR OLD DAUGHTER AND FATHER – LISTENING TO BBC RADIO 4 MIDDAY NEWS
FATHER: I can’t believe what he’s on about. I used to like Nick Clegg. He’s talking utter twaddle.
8 YEAR OLD: Yeah. But it isn’t really him, anyway.
FATHER: What do you mean?
8 YEAR OLD: It’s not even him! I know what he sounds like. They’ve got someone else on here. It’s so stupid!
FATHER: What on earth are on about? How would you know what Nick Clegg sounds like?
8 YEAR OLD: I told you – it’s not even him! Do they think we’re stupid or what?
FATHER: You’ve totally lost me now…
8 YEAR OLD: Because he isn’t the real Cleggy! This bloke’s always on the radio. And they say it’s him but we watch ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’ on the telly all the time at Grandma’s and its obviously not Cleggy! He’s got a very distinctive voice, has Cleggy. And this one is…well. Just some boring bloke pretending to be him. It makes me so mad! And this bloke on the radio never does anything funny like fall over stone walls or whatever. He just keeps wittering on about Cereal!
FATHER: (the light is dawning now) I think you mean Syria.
8 YEAR OLD: Well, whatever. We all know it’s not him. Because the REAL Cleggy isn’t as posh as this bloke. Or as trampy as the other one. There’s always 3 of them, right?
FATHER: (thinking) Erm…do you mean that we’ve got 3 political leaders or 3 main characters on ‘Last Of The Summer Wine?’
8 YEAR OLD: Who knows? I mean, who cares? But yeah anyway, that Cleggy just sorts of puts up with the other one. His friend. You know – the tall bloke who likes to talk about wars and how really cool Britain is and how we should just fight people ’cause we’re well better than everyone else and are well good at smacking people about with our armies and all of that. And thinks he’s in charge just ‘cause he’s dead posh.
FATHER: (thinking aloud) Ah..Foggy. Heh. That’d be Cameron then…
8 YEAR OLD: Yeah. Probably.
FATHER: You’ve got a good point there….I like this analogy.
8 YEAR OLD: And then there’s the other one. The trampy one that everyone laughs at. He’s a bit littler and scruffier than the other two and you just can’t take him seriously. And everyone says he smells.
FATHER: Right. So that would be Ed Compo Miliband then?
8 YEAR OLD: And also – why is it the ladies in the show are either crabby or old ugly moany ones like Norah Batty? Or tarty ones with hardly no clothes on like that Marina woman? And the women never have the main parts when one of the old blokes dies or whatever? It’s not fair!
FATHER: I think you’ve been spending too much time talking to your mother dear…
[Note from author: Oh the Joys of Dyslexia and other Forms of the Literal Language Mind…]